A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
