Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Damn victory sex feels great
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