I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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