I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
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