hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
