I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
