I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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