and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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