he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
