be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
