I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
