I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
