i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
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It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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