Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
