They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
