Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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