You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
