dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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