there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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