did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
