Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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