You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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