I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
