Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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