I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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