I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
