I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
