i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
