So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
