My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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