Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I love you.
Bad choice
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