How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
