how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
