Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
