Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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