mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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