im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
