glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
