Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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