Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
