where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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