I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You are the jesus of drinking
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
