I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
