no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
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Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
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My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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