I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
