we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
