So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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