I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
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I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
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I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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