yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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