You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
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Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
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Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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