I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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