i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
