If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I intend to get homeless drunk
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
