Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
