I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
